


You hate this fucking family.

by amazingakita



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave's POV, Don't copy to other sites, M/M, POV Second Person, Sock Puppets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 13:15:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17898809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingakita/pseuds/amazingakita
Summary: Bro brings Chad home to meet his family. Chad is nothing like Dave expected.





	You hate this fucking family.

You've heard too much about Bro's new fling. Far too much than you'd ever want to know about anyone else's love life. Hell, even the tabloids would be going 'whoa this is too much for us why are you telling us this god damn please stop go away we don't want this' if Bro was famous and knew as much as you did right now. 

Why can't someone invent brain bleach.

"...an' his eyes? God, they're so round an' wide all the time, I can't stop staring at them. And I fuckin' hate eye contact, but I can't look aw-"

You cut Bro off with a load groan, shoving your face into your hands. 

"Bro, just- Shut up. Shut up about your new boy toy, please. I don't need to know about his eyes, or how soft he is, or- or-"

"Or how he fits on my hand?"

You groan even louder and pull a pillow over your head, kicking out at Bro. "Nope! No! I do not need to know about your sex life! Get out of my room!"

Bro laughs and stands up from Dave's bed. "Oh, yeah, by the way. He's coming over today."

What.

You pull the pillow back to stare at Bro for a good few seconds, then cover your head again. "Give a dude some warning, why don't you."

"He'll be here in an hour. I'm having a shower."

Oh, hell no. You're up like a flash, pushing past Bro and into the bathroom. Dude takes hours, and you have some decency. You're going to look good if you're going to make Bro's new beau regret ever coming here. It's your brother you're talking about here, you've got to play the annoying little shit sometimes. ...A lot of the time. Any time you think you can get away with it, really. Bro loves you, despite how exasperated he gets at times - like right now. You can hear him sigh as you lock the bathroom door behind you.

"Fuck you, Bro, I gotta get ready too."

"Whatever, kid." Hmm. He doesn't sound as annoyed as usual. Maybe this was his plan all along. Motherfucker. You take your time anyway and manage to rack up 45 minutes before you open the bathroom door again. Bro's sitting on the sofa, working on a puppet. Ugh. You wonder if his love interest knows about the puppets. You don't know what you'd do if they'd actually enjoy it as much as he does. Probably look at getting emancipated again. Look at again, not get emancipated again. It's gotten close before. 

You spend at least twenty minutes getting dressed and making sure your hair is styled just right. It's getting a bit long, a bit close to Justin Bieber circa 2009, and you really don't want Bro picking up on that. He's got plenty of ammo already, and you really don't want to give him more. There’re voices out there. Huh. Weird. Bro must have oiled the front door. Or not slammed it. You definitely didn't hear it open or close. But it's showtime. Bro's in the kitchen when you come out of your room and flop onto the couch. Cal's here too. You give him a fist bump and repress the shudder. Bro likes puppets. Bro loves Cal. Like a son or a lover, you've never really worked out, but Bro loves Cal. And then Bro's flopping down beside you, breaking you out of your reverie. There's... Nobody else. What? Who was Bro talking to? You look around, not seeing anything.

"So, this is Lil' Dave?" It's Bro's voice, for sure, but his lips didn't move. And Cal's gone. Godspeed little dude.

"Bro, what the fuck?" you ask.

"Language." he admonishes you. You're about to retort, when Bro not-says something else.

"Oh, hush, sugar." Is he... Arguing with himself? "Swearing's not such a bad thing these days, am I right, Dave?" The ventriloquist act isn't amusing you, and you think your blank face is getting the point across finally. Bro jerks his chin, pointing at something behind you, and you turn...

"Bro, what the fuck is that." 'That' in question is a sock puppet. Buttons for eyes, what you hope isn't real hair stuck to the top and made from a white fucking gym sock.

"This is Chad, Dave. Be polite." Bro says with his mouth.

"That's a sock, Bro. You got me up to meet your jacking off sock?"

You're not sure whether it's Bro or this 'Chad' that makes the offended noise, but it's definitely 'Chad' that talks next.

"I'm not a sock, Dave. Socks can't talk."

"Bro, quit it. First Cal, now this? I'm out." You go to stand, but Bro grabs your wrist before you can get anywhere.

"Nah, kiddo, y'ain't leaving. That's rude, I just want two of my favourite dudes to get to know each other."

You tug ineffectually at your wrist. "Bro, that's a sock. Not a man. I'll say hi to Cal, but I'm not doing shit with this."

The sock puppet looks sad. How the fuck can Bro contort his hand like that.

"Come on, Dave. Bro says you're into taxidermy? How'd that come about?" You glare balefully at Bro. The entire effect is lost between the two pairs of shades. Three seconds pass. Five. You give in, flopping back down onto the sofa. You hate this fucking family. 

"You know this story already, Bro.”

“Yeah, but Chad doesn’t.”

“Chad’s- “

“Chad’s my boyfriend and interested in what you want to say.” Did you say you were close to looking at emancipation again? Now you really meant it. You’re tempted to get your phone out and look it up right now, but Bro would probably just steal it from your hands, so you sigh and start talking.

“I got real distraught when my favourite crow died. I was, what, five? Six? Bro showed me how to preserve shit and it just kinda... Kept going. Bet he thought he could get me into puppets from that. Nope. Not happening, Bromeo. I'll stick to my dead things and photography, and we can share the music. Don't think I don't know why you wanted to teach me as soon as I could reach far enough. You're a fuckin' sap, dude. Worse than a tree, dripping everywhere, capturing everything you come across in some amber. Might be able to recreate me in the future, make a whole park out of everything you got your goo on - shut the fuck up put those eyebrows down - and watch as we go terrorise some hapless humans over and over and over again cause the scientists never learn and the capitalists don't care."

Bro laughs, Chad shakes his head. You love Jurassic Park. John showed it to you once, and you were enthralled. It's one of the few movies you can both enjoy. 

"Yeah, anyway, it's pretty cool. Harley's sent me pictures of her Grandpa's hunting trophies, and I'm a lil’ jealous. I don't wanna go out there and hunt, but like. So much dead shit. Fuck yeah." You have a feeling that if Bro were anyone else, he'd be concerned. Chad nods encouragingly, but you don't need persuasion to talk about the shit you like. "Speaking of photos, I need some new clips, Bro. Running out of room on the current strings. And no, fuck your marionette strings, the photos need something proper to hang on." You tilt your head back to look at Bro, who just nods. Awesome. You can't wait to hang up the latest round of photos, you've got some deliciously ironic ones in there.

"Do you have a favourite subject, Dave?" Chad asks, and you look back at him. "The crows are good, if I can get them to stay still enough for me. Always a bit hit and miss whether they will or not. Bro's not bad, if he's not paying attention. I'm a master of film selfies now, though."

Chad laughs and shakes his head. "I meant in school, Dave. Though art is probably up there, yes?" Oops. That's not your fault though, it was an easy mistake to make.

"I mean, yeah, it's up there. Physics is kinda cool. Music is too. I kinda got roped into the theatre group 'cause I worked out how to use the soundboard. That wasn't hard, but it's a chill way to spend time." Chad seems... Genuinely likeable. You didn't know Bro could do that. 

Apparently, you said that thought out loud as Bro swats the back of your head.

"Ow! The fuck, Bro." You shoot a glare at him, rubbing your head. 

"Yes, that's not very nice, Bro." Bro's lips didn't move, so it means Chad said it. You raise your eyebrows. Bro, telling himself off for something? Something you weren't even complaining that much about?

"Chad's an only child." is all Bro gives in explanation. That's not good enough for you, as evident by your slowly rising eyebrows. "What? Dude doesn't get the sibling shit. " Nope. Not good enough. Look at those eyebrows go. Helium balloons could be attached to those things. Up and up and up they go, fuelled by disbelief. You're having none of this. Why is that the weirdest part of this interaction? Not the whole sock puppet-boyfriend thing, but that the puppetfriend is trying to be the better person? A better person than Bro's ever acted to you? Fuck. You're out.

You stand up again, and Bro doesn't stop you this time. Thank fuck. This shit is way too weird for you right now - Bro loves his puppets, but you've always found them creepy. The staring, the movement, the talking without moving mouths. Just- ugh. You hate it. You pull the fridge open, standing behind the door so any stray swords can tumble out that way while you're protected by the door. At least it's working today; you take the cool, sweet, precious, nectar that is apple juice out of the fridge and crack it open. Hell yeah. 

"Hey, John said we should watch Little Monsters later." Bro calls.

You hate everything about this life. 

"Since when have you been talking to my friends, you creep? They're my age."

"He contacted me, dunkass, said his dad wanted to talk about 'internet safety'." Oh. You guess that's why John wanted Bro's number. You probably shouldn't have been giving out Bro's numbers to kinda-strangers on the internet, but you just assumed it was for prank calls. You were almost right.

"Oh, and Chad would like some water." Bro adds.

"Chad can come get it himself. Also, he can't fucking drink?"

"That's homophobic, Dave. Letting a poor dude [anti-drown/water-starve]. How callous of you."

"I have CPS on speed dial."

Bro's quiet now. You look back at him as you close the fridge, and he's taken the sock puppet off. Hell yeah. ...He might have taken that joke the wrong way. You sigh, going and draping yourself over the back of the sofa beside Bro.

"You know I wouldn't actually, right?"

"Yeah." You're not convinced until he leans back and ruffles your hair. He has to contort his arm all weird. You knock his hat upwards in revenge and sort your hair out.

"Jackass."

"Douche."


End file.
